Stalking 101

I'm a really, really good stalker. Ask anyone who knows me and they will all agree. I have it down. From surveillance for shirtless pictures, to stolen boxer shorts, to "indiscretions" centered around stalkees' personal items, I'm on top of my game. I have objects of my desire who have been stalked for years who don't even know to those who have found out and have felt honored to be amongst the ranks. I'm smooth.

All of my training, my time and my stealth came crashing down around me this week. The gentleman pictured here who we shall call "C" has been an object of my affections for months. I first met him in New Orleans in September when on vacation. He is a bartender at my favorite bars there. He is beautiful! In a trip this week, I visited that bar again in hopes of seeing him one more time. In typical fashion, I gained the trust of another bartender named "M". She gave me the dish on "C's" personality, his last name and of course his next shift. I bided my time and found myself successfully planted on a bar stool at the afore mentioned shift. "M" however, had ratted me out.

The picture accompanying this blog was taken in September during "my peoples" holiday in NOLA called Southern Decadence. A friend snapped the shirtless picture of "C" behind the bar during that holiday and it has become one of my newest treasures and one of my late night joys. Anyway, I digress, "M" had told "C" that I had a shirtless picture of him that has been apparently circulated through the Midwest. I corrected him with a "If, by circulated through the Midwest, you mean sent to two or three other people, then yes." Totally innocent, right?

To "C's" credit he was extremely cool about the whole thing. He is a sweet and beautiful man who told me the owners made him pose shirtless during his shift during the gay holiday in hopes to drum up business. He asked if I'd email him the pic. Yes, I scored his email address even though he's straight...still an accomplishment in my mind.

Where the night came crashing down was our good bye. I could have played it cool, but by that time I was fairly intoxicated and decided the sincere and sweet approach was better. I apologized for being creepy. Yes, you heard it right. "I'm sorry for being creepy." It actually came out of my mouth. I knew it was a mistake the moment I uttered it and when I saw "C's" reaction (a visible shudder) along with my friends who had accompanied me to the bar I knew everything that I held dear in all my previous stalker training had come crashing down.

I plead that after I'd had about 4 of the signature drinks at this famous bar (the drink has both Vodka and Everclear in it softened by grape Koolaid) that this really was beyond my control. The only thing to do was tip him well (which I'm sure could also be construed as creepy) and get the hell out. That, was indeed, the course of action I took.

So, although I may not ever be able to go back to my favorite bar in NOLA I came out of there with two things...neither of which is obviously my dignity! 1) I know now to never mix stalking with Everclear and Vodka and 2) "C's" email address which helped me get to his MySpace page in which there are TONS more shirtless pictures of him. While not a success, also not a complete failure either!!!

I'll tuck this lesson into my stalker files and live to stalk another day! Creepy yes, but it can also be pretty rewarding as you can see from "C's" picture.