Life and Death Decision, No One Should Have to Choose

I'm signing papers in a few hours that says I'm in charge of how a life ends. A life that has taught me how to be a better, stronger, more giving person. My Aunt Margie is in the hospital and for all the medical advice I'm given...for all intensive purposes is dying.

In her final days, she's gone from her being the vibrant woman she was to moments of recognition and finally to nothing but a moaning shell.

I just added a comma to the above sentence and realized that signing a life away is like adding a comma. I sign on the dotted line and when it is time, that signature, and those instructions are followed to the letter of the AP rule book.

For 82 years she's been a hard worker, a devoted wife, a loving aunt and a Christian lady. At 82 she held a job, lived on her own and drove her own car. Her Independence, since my Uncle Bob's death in 1984 has inspired me.

I know she would not want to live via a respirator, but at the same time she has worked hard and fought for her life for 82 years. Maybe, I'm wrong and she would want me to pull out all the stops. Maybe to her, life is worth her living like a vegetable on a respirator. Who the HELL am I to say? But, with her being the "moaning shell" I described someone has to make that decision for her. I'm not alone. There's another niece who's pushed for this all along and I've pushed back. Tonight, standing over her bed and begging her to wake up, talk to me, and me telling her I love her, there was nothing...no response. So, I've made my decision.

Tomorrow, it will all be on paper. I pray to God that he takes her naturally and I don't ever have to wonder was I the one who gave up and not her? Would she have wanted to live out her final days even if it was artificial? Was she clinging to life to have that miraculous second chance?

I'm not a good person and I pray that God allows me to take the coward's way out and I don't ever have to answer these questions. I can only tell you and God that I love my Aunt Margie and I only want her to be at peace and free from the pain and suffering. That, is the only thing I can hold true to.

To anyone who reads this, I don't want anyone to comment. I started this blog because I wanted it to be an outlet for my thoughts and emotions and I could care a less about anyone else's comments. This, is what is important to me now. If you want to leave a comment I would ask instead that you pray, meditate or simply think good wishes that my Aunt Margie finds peace in either getting better or finding her place with the Lord she believes in and my Uncle Bob beside her.