2007 Moments to Remember

So, I'm in just under the wire. It is still early 2008 so I can do a wrap up of 2007 right?

I can honestly say that 2007 was the worst year of my life. It was a year filled with endings. For someone who HATES change, endings do not bode well.

First off, I'm a murderer. Not in the traditional sense, but it is still there nevertheless. My Aunt Margie became deathly ill. With no children, myself and a niece on the opposite side of her family became her guardians. With that came treatment options, care facilities and ultimately, the decision whether to reinsert a yanked feeding tube or not. The niece was an elder (age 50+), but I was the 'man' of the situation and ultimately the one closest to my aunt. She was suffering from leukemia, an illness no one but my aunt knew she had until being admitted into the hospital. Her health deteriorated until she was unable to choose treatment for herself. We had a feeding tube inserted. She spent 5 weeks in the hospital. She spent 4 weeks in a nursing home. During that 4 weeks she continuously pulled the tube out until finally, under pressure from the doctors and the other niece I made the decision to have the feeding tube removed permanently. Although she continued to be given what little sustenance she would take she did die a few weeks after my final decision to have the tube removed. Everyone says she was very ill. I know that she actually starved to death because of me.

I come from a small family. My aunt was a very simple woman who I know loved me unconditionally. I was not there when she died. My parents said it was very peaceful. I sent them instead of me. My mom said they sat with her for hours. Her breathing became more and more shallow. She finally took a raged breath and that was it. 81 years of life expired in one breath that I was responsible for.

At the time of her death, I was 30. I'd spent the last 8 years of my life, my only professional life working for the same company. The day after she died I was scheduled to fly to NYC for a conference. A conference that I had attended every year in the past. With a new boss, I felt that this conference was a mandatory. I made my aunt wait for her funeral until I return 5 days later. I inherited half of her estate including her home.

Five months later, the job that I had poured my heart, soul, conscience, and morale into terminated my employment. Just desserts huh? This job, this job...it was one of those that you truly believe that you are a better person for working it, for believing in it. I felt noble and vital and legitimate. All the childhood dreams that I believed in and longed for...I let those go for this job. Not because it was that grand, but because I knew those dreams were not a part of reality, but this job was. This job helped people achieve their dreams and if I wasn't doing that I could at least help others do so with this job and that was something. That, was noble. Now, I'm left with no job, no idea what I want to be when I grow up because I gave every aspect of myself to this job. I have nothing on the other side...not sure where I'm going from here.

Not everything was horrible in 2007. I do have to recognize that and acknowledge the blessings I did receive although the bad feels like it out weighs the good. I traveled. I've been to New Orleans twice... one of my favorite places in the world and one of those trips was a spur of the moment trip that I did (I NEVER do things spur of the moment, but I bought plane tickets on Saturday morning and was in NOLA Tuesday morning). I took a cruise to Mexico. I went to Providence, RI to visit my very best friends and I went to NYC twice this year. Also, spent some time in Gatlinburg with my soul mates. With my "retirement" I've also spent extra time with my elderly parents over the holidays which I'm sure, looking back, I'll treasure.

This year has also shown me what and who my true friends are. Those that came to my aunt's funeral without me asking (Charles, Daisy, Sugar Kane, Spence, Christi, Jerry). Those that won't just let me escape into the past, but want to continue to be my present (Elizabeth, Kris, Alex, Cat, Becky). And, those that put professional setting aside and continue to be my friend even though we don't have the workplace as our common ground anymore (Sandy, Kelli, Russ and Karen). Also, I've gained closer ground with my roommates, past and present (Doug, James, Aaron and Eugene). I don't have brothers or sisters, but these people have all shown me the true meaning of family. Without them I'm not sure I would be here today.

My parents also deserve way more than just a mention. Being an only child I've had so much love yet trepidation for my parents. In those hard moments this year they have been there for me every step of the way. At this point in my life I didn't event think I would still have them at there age. My father is so very, very ill. I don't charge my cell phone at night because I think my mom could call me anytime to the hospital. However, my father was the strongest shoulder I had in 2007. The night I had to make the decision to remove my aunt's feeding tube it was his voice that reassured me. It was was my dad that told me I was doing the right thing and that he was proud of me and that he would want me to make the same decision for him. It was also my father who (being my aunt's brother-in-law was the most emotional of us all at the funeral). He has always been so strong, but has always been my role model when compassionate and love were called for.

I'm not close to my cousins who are similar in age to me. They are actually my second cousins as my mother was way younger than her brother (their grandfather). My cousin Stacey who's had a lot of issues in her life, uncaring spouses, a still-born daughter, etc, came to me as she was leaving my aunt's funeral dinner to say she knew I was alone once my parents passed. That she wanted me to know that I would never be alone and if I needed anything to talk to her. This woman who was a mother, a wife, a victim, a survivor, wanted me to know that she would be there for me even though she only knew a boy from years ago and not the man I had become. what courage and what compassion she had in that moment to put herself out there and say "I'll be there for you." That moment most definitely deserves a mention in 2007 as most people never achieve such a courageous moment like that in their lives.

I feel like there are so many more things to say, but this blog was one of my resolutions for 2007. Again, remembering that resolution and the hopes I had for 2007 are so crazy. It was the hardest year of my life. I survived. I'm still here and those people. Those moments deserved at the minimum to be written about. Those moments bring both pain and love into my soul. I happily say goodbye to 2007 although, however traumatic it was it might be the most real year of my life. I have grown from it and really, isn't that the best you can say for any year of your life?